My Little Watchdog

Recently I did a two-week cleanse. I had started feeling kind of off; my stomach just wasn’t right, and I had had a few headaches here and there. I’ve been terribly busy lately and not eating as well as I should, so I decided that the gurgling in my stomach and occasional stabbing pains in my head were my body trying to tell me something. So one Sunday afternoon a few weeks ago, I headed to Whole Foods and picked up its cleanse.

I never seem to do anything like the normal Joe (my mother will verify this truth for you). Instead of just going out and exercising several days a week for an hour or so like most people, I don’t feel accomplished unless I’ve pushed my body to burn more than 500 calories per session (boot camp anyone?). Hell, if I’m not gonna burn 500, why not just stay in and watch the Biggest Loser instead? Simply cutting back on the things I know I need to adios sounds logical, right? (I am told cheese and wine are not major food groups, but I’m not so sure I agree.) Oh no, I decide to take it to the limit and cut out everything but veggies, fruit, whole grains, beans, and the occasional protein bar! (Vegetable soup and Three-Bean Chili everyday begins to get old about Day 4.)

So decision made, I began the Whole Foods cleanse. Mistake No. 1: I told Kensie what I was doing. (I don’t say diet around K. I think it’s unhealthy for young children to be exposed to anything “diet”-related but, rather, they should be taught how to live a healthy lifestyle from Day 1.) Initially, Kensie was unaffected by my cleanse. She already eats healthfully (I’m pretty strict about her diet), so I just ate what she was eating or included her in what I was eating if she showed interest (she rarely did). If she asked me a question about the cleanse, I’d explain to her that Mommy was just trying to make my body feel better by only eating foods that would help make me healthy and strong. She accepted my explanation and really just seemed uninterested until . . . Week 2, when I re-implemented my one glass of wine per night. Turns out, Kensie had been paying attention and, apparently, keeping notes in the recesses of her brain.

One thing I didn’t realize before I had Makensie (one thing, that’s a laugh!) was that even when you think your kids are not paying attention (which is most of the time), they most certainly are. (This is not always a good thing, I can attest.) Kensie proved this point to me every evening that I had that glass of wine. With an all-knowing look on her face, she’d scold, “Mommy, I thought you weren’t supposed to drink wine.” You’re right, Baby, that’s what Mommy told you!

After I finished my cleanse (by the way, I felt great during once I got through the sugar withdrawals) and went back to a normal, healthy diet, Kensie did not revert back to her former self, when Mommy was eating leftover pizza while she was eating grilled chicken and broccoli. Nope, now, no matter what I do, I’ve got a little watchdog analyzing my every move. “Mommy, are you supposed to have that piece of cheese?” “Mommy, I thought you weren’t allowed to have catsup?” “Mommy, you said you couldn’t have wine!” In my quest to avoid exposing my child to the dark world of dieting and the vicious cycle that almost always accompanies it, I inadvertently created a little monster. Though I didn’t use the actual word, Kensie has now been exposed to exactly what I had tried to protect her from, which means I will have to spend the rest of my life making sure she knows that no matter what shape, size, color, religion, sexual orientation—whatever she is or chooses to be—she is special, and she is beautiful. (And I’m going to have to eat chicken and broccoli for the REST. OF. MY. LIFE.)

Balancing It All

I’m sure I’ve written about this topic before—maintaining balance—but never have I felt so strongly about its importance than I do right now in my life, mainly because things have been really crazy lately! There’s the usual stuff—work, being a single mom, having a social life. But lately I feel as if I’m not only trying to balance those things, I’m also trying to please everyone around me (while working full time, freelancing, helping to start a new business, raising my kid, maintaining friendships, having a social life, dating). What I’m finding is that while trying to balance everything in my life (this has never worked for me, by the way), I am wearing myself slap out!

I’m not sure I’ve ever had real balance in my life, though I’ve always strived for it. I’m that person who is often on the verge of grasping a little bit of that ever-evasive normalcy only to be pushed over the edge by the next “thing,” whatever that “thing” may be. And there is always another “thing.”

In college, I tried to balance several jobs at once, a boyfriend, and a social life (while trying to fit in a little study time now and again for good measure). After college, it was a race to get as far away from home as possible, so moving across the country with the boyfriend, finding a job (hour and a half commute both ways!), traveling, exploring, soul-searching. I spent a lot of those after-college years really trying to figure myself out—what I wanted, who I wanted to be with, where I wanted to be. (Just FYI: I still haven’t figured that stuff out.) I spent so much energy trying to “find myself” during that phase in my life that I think I might have missed a few things along the way (well, I am still single at the ripe old age of 36!). And moving into the “mommy” phase has really thrown me for a loop! Toss a baby into the mix that is my precarious life, and you can only imagine how difficult things have become to figure out. (But seriously, that kid is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me! Love ya Kens!)

So my life now, while in a sprint to figure it all out and create some serious balance, is more uncertain than ever before. With everything that I have to juggle right now, I wonder: Does this thing we call life ever get any easier to figure out? Whew, I’m exhausted.

The Truth Hurts

When life seems to be rolling along at a manageable clip, why does the universe feel it necessary to toss in a little something “special” to remind you that you may not be in control of things? I mean, my life the past few years has definitely not been ideal. Employment has been scattered, living situation has been crowded, social life has been uneventful. But it has been manageable, and it has been somewhat comfortable. I’ve been making plans, working hard toward my goals, envisioning what my life is to become. And lately, my hard work and detailed plans have been materializing before my eyes. Right now, distractions are the last thing I need! But true to form in the complicated web that is my life, I can faintly see another path becoming visible in the distance. Let’s see how the universe handles this one!

Now on to Kensie.

So K has hit the terrible threes head on. She never really had issues in her “terrible twos.” Though many people say the twos can be the worst toddler age, that was just not our experience. But boy, when Kensie turned three this month, it was like a lightning bolt struck the earth, and from the ashes arose a kid who seems to know that I am required to love and take care of her despite anything she might say or do. “Ta-da! Hi Mommy, meet the real Makensie Rain!”

Kensie’s appearance has seemingly changed overnight! Her golden blonde hair is down to her bottom and curly at the ends. Her skin is showing a bit of an olive tone (yay, she won’t melt in the sun like her poor, pasty, red-headed mommy!). She’s sure to become a sun goddess in her teens with that skin. Her legs are taking shape and becoming long and lean (she’s got the Johnson legs!). Her belly, once a poochy gut full of milk and mashed-up avocado, is starting to streamline. Her face is no longer chunky and round but has an almost mature look to it. I’m pretty sure this kid was meant to be my cousin AJ’s, not mine!

K’s personality has changed quite a bit, as well. She loves clothes! I see a fashionista-in-the-making already (again, AJ’s kid). She has to pick out her own outfit every day, but not just that: It must be chosen and on her back by 6 a.m.! Food has become an afterthought: If I can get K to eat a scrap other than her gummy vitamin before noon, call me mother of the year! Her Pa used to pick on her constantly, but now she picks on Pa! Preschool is a little bit scary but gets easier every day. Water rocks her world. Cartoons have become nothing more than background noise (well, other than Enchanted, of course). Books are the best thing since sliced bread!

My little girl is no longer a little girl. When I look at Makensie and see what she’s become in such a short period in my life, I can almost visualize the amazing adventure we have in store. Dance and softball like I loved as a kid. Possibly swimming, which also runs in her blood. School dances, silly crushes, Sweet 16, driving, dating. And in the back of my mind, all I can hear is my mother’s faint voice getting louder and louder and louder and louder: Payback is hell . . . Payback is hell . . . Payback is hell . . . PAY. BACK. IS. HELL!!!!!!